Defeated Dads and Favoured Fathers

The "5 A's" we need (Thank you Elijah House Ministries)
as a child, before we reach the age of 6 are these:
Acceptance
Appreciation
Attention
Affection
and Allowing (to be who God made us to be) or Affirmation

We are created to receive all of these in full measure.  And the degree to which we lack these is the degree to which we are wounded.  These wounds never heal without His intervention.  And we must open them and air them in the light of His Goodness and healing and forgiveness in order for them ever to heal.  In a way as I see it, we must address these painful areas in the very same way as was neglected when we were small; with compassion toward our child hearts, with love and understanding and non-judgement. And our Unseen God always feels these things in full about us. So we too must accept these wounds and feelings as real, we appreciate the child - the real child beneath them, we give attention to all her neglected areas by acknowledging the wrongness of the treatment, we lend affection to the forgotten child, and then by forgiving all who wronged us and ourselves, we come into the fullness of Jesus salvation by allowing ourselves to be and live and move into our original design.  The perfect design God made us to be before sin got in the way.

For me, I had little attention as a child and my parents never understood who I was or am. It didn't seem important to them. And like many of my generation, parents who had been given less than us by their parents, they found it important to grow tough self sufficient kids. Starved of affection and acceptance, I had to shape and hide bits of myself in order to receive any affirmation and any appreciation.  I was starving, like so many of us are as children, well fed physically but starving in every other way.  God hates this.  He hates injustice and He takes personally any abuse especially of children.  I know He hates this because over and over He writes how He abhors overlooking the needs of the powerless in His Word.  And He says He won't forget the wrongs, He remembers and because He is just, He will deal with them one day.  But He cannot deal with them if I am, which is why I have to trust His judgement instead of my own.  He wants me to be free, not tied down by bitterness.

I have been afraid of my earthly Father my whole life.  A critical, unpredictable man, a man so conflicted that as an adult I can barely scrape the surface of who he is.  A man I constantly tried alternatively to save or please and always someone, like a snarling wolf on a chain, I had to keep one eye on and a healthy distance from.  By contrast, here is my real Dad, my heavenly Father:

Romans 8:15
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.  And by Him we cry, "Abba, Father."

Abba means Daddy. And He loves me in my weakness (2 Cor 12:7-10).  Even though I had a Dad who failed me, God's undeserved favour is sufficient for me.  He is my strength, the power in my weakness.
Yesterday my Dad left me after visiting me for a few days after 25 years.  The first time he has ever stayed with me as an adult.  It was an extremely confronting time and God has shown me some things I didn't really want to see or remember.  I was reminded of my powerlessness, my Dad's huge influence, old habits, old selfishness, old patterns of helpless control.  It was and still is extremely painful.  I still question if I have forgiven him, if I am completely free of my judgements about him and I remain disappointed and deeply hurt.  I am not yet completely free.  But God reminded me of  something.  He reminded me of His surpassing greatness.  And this is what I journaled about my true Dad, the one whose identity I need and want, the more important father to whom I should have and should always look:
He is with me and has been from before my heart started beating.  He has directed my life and watched over me.  He is interested in me and my children; he cares what I think and what I think about, I matter to Him.  He gives me things, showers me with wonderful gifts every day.  Even when I rebelled in my youth, He was there in the shadows, protecting me, making sure I would come to no harm.  He wrote a song for me, over my life and He gave me a special name.  He takes it personally when people are mean to me.  He is always on my side.  He never forgets my birthday, He remembers each of my days and He writes down every tear.  He fights my battles for me.  He teaches me Himself, He does not trust me to strangers.  His eyes and His heart will always be with me.  He sees me and He knows who I am and He never changes.  He never gets impatient with me or has a bad day, He always loves me no matter what I do, when I fail He comforts me and when I succeed He rejoices with me.  He is the most beautiful One I have ever met; He is my Dad and I am proud to be His daughter. His name is Abba, Father.

I Don't Know What He wants me to do: Names of Jesus

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Mostly we think life is about us.  But I read recently that life is not about us at all.  That we are not that important and that our lives are not about us.  (Dr Siang-Yang Tan, Rest: Experiencing God's Peace in a Restless World)  I found this jolting and not undiscouraging.
But this verse says the race is marked out for us.  The lines, the tracks the end flags - are all already in place.  What is left is for us to run; through fog and rain, even when we can hardly see the few steps in front of us.  It says we should, instead of looking for the lines, the crowd, our aching legs, we must fix our eyes on Jesus.  And here is the most encouraging thing; apart from the fact that the race is already set, we can't mess up the track - is that He is the finisher, He is the perfecter, He is the One that will get us to the end.  What a great weight I feel is lifted from my shoulders! 
If I should wander and go off course, He as the perfecter, like a gentle GPS, simply redirects me back onto the route that He originally set.  When I run ahead, he will slow the course down, when I give up and sit down, He will lift my head and help me to see how to continue; He is my lap setter; He is my guide, He is the one who knows the way I should go because He set the course.  He is my water bearer and my coach, He holds me when I stumble and He is the one who will cross the finish line with me and be there smiling, to congratulate me and give me my prize.  It is His race and far from wondering when my race will start and where the start is, what He wants me to do for Him - the truth is this: the race has already started and I am already running.  What is my purpose?  To look at Him and run; looking at Him being a selfless act of worship.  My purpose, my ministry is my husband, children, friends, family, the people around me, the people I meet.  What must I do?  Love them, honour them, serve and minister to them, speak of His goodness, live out His Word.